once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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