Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
