GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
