did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
