i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
