and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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