I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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