ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
