Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
