I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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