Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
