Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
