Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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