There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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