We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
