and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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