high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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