this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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