Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
