Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
