just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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