Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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