Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
