Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
