Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
