Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Randomize
