I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I love you. Go after that dick
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
