I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
