My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
