he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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