next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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