I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
