I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
too bad you live with your parents still
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Randomize
