I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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