What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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