I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
