The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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