I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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