you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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