babies were throwing up all over the place
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
