why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
