At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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