I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
