the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
