why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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