he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
