Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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