she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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