So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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