Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish i was in the wii world.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
