Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
