plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
