I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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