I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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